Anton
Only today, for the fortieth day after death of the wife, Anton has started to release. All last months it was in sepulchral catalepsy which has held down how it has made last sigh. Anton could not reconcile that its twenty four-year-old wife dies of a stomach cancer. Terrible, ruthless and ugly illness. Tortures proceeded more than one and a half years. Exactly half of their home life. Every day – deaf hopelessness, senselessness and an intolerable pain. Anton has turned to a glass copy of: all reflected, absorbed nothing. Inside – emptiness. Probably, the system of protection of a brain from madness has worked in such freakish image.
Its day had no morning and evening, did not know the beginning and the end. When the sun rose, Anton looked at the watch, cautiously pulled out from fingers of the wife entangled zmeistymi by tubes of droppers, the hand and left hospital. Went home. Took a shower, put on, went on job. Looked in the monitor and crept fingers on the keyboard. To it addressed – he did not hear. Have compelled, in the end-ends, to be explained, though Anton diligently hid the grief from strangers. Have lagged behind. Have suggested even holiday to take for a month, and even on two if it is necessary. But Anton was afraid to remain entirely in the power of a unique reality – its pain and the feebleness. Without the right of change of scenery, without the moving right in space. As there was it. Having switched off exactly in six evenings the computer, Anton left work and went to hospital. To stay from it the next night till the morning.
It is terrible to understand, that you can help nothing. Awfully to see day from day, how are you doing leaves a young body. As dark shades under eyes as the pillow becomes black from the hair which have dropped out for a night as tears from got tired slide, beaten by a pain, an eye grow. Anton asked itself only one question – «for what?». For what it such? It did not find the answer. All around was silent. It was necessary to get only infinite mental disputes good luck in which the Founder appeared not at height. After all only it could correct, not admit all at all, but stayed idle. Has allowed it to suffer, at all not having given easy to die. That for the sake of? Unless paradise, overthrown in a hell seems?
After many months sleepless, become already mechanical, lives all was over. She has died. Anton has understood not at once it and more long held a cooling down hand in palms before to run out in a night corridor and to shout the doctor. It did not come to consciousness. To tell was in time nothing. Yes was not in time at all anything! To be, natselovatsja in plenty, to study up, to the child to give birth. Anton did not cry, looking on terribly changed and now the motionless person, it flowed away together with it. From one hell in another. For one and a half year the twenty five years' young man became the old man.
Funeral passed beautifully. The sea dressed in black young men – classmates, the schoolmates forgotten during illness of friends and girlfriends. Ocean of white natural flowers. Anton long could not depart from a coffin and did not allow it to close. It has been given it is perfect in the pale serenity. It is attractive. It is quiet. Such it which have been not disfigured by a mask of a constant pain, Anton did not wish to release. He kissed the fallen asleep lips and held in palms the person, as precious a glass with an ice burning drink. It it is tender, but have persistently taken aside. Have closed a coffin. Began to lower slowly. And then he the first, overcoming itself(himself), has thrown a handful of the earth and has shuddered from an empty and booming sound. Such if a coffin buried without a body.
Anton continued to live. To go on job. With it tried to condole. He did not understand and was irritated. After all it, devil take it, remained to live. It she has died.
At home it was strange. All remains on the places – as has arranged Is given. But it was not. Also there was no necessity, having come running from hospital to abandon dirty clothes, to take a shower and, having put on pure linen, again to run. Time as if has decided to compensate now it sleepless somnambulistic months of life. Also spoke "sleep", "gain strength". Anton could not. The dream to it did not go. There is it did not want. The catalepsy proceeded. Only today, for the fortieth day, having returned from her parents from commemoration, it has felt for the first time, that really wishes to sleep. But at first for some reason convulsively it wanted to drink. He was not too lazy to put on and leave the house again at all. Has returned to doors, already finishing drinking bank on the move. Since that day as It is given has died, in the apartment he could not drink, is. As if subconsciously considered it as treachery in relation to it.
Has again undressed. Has laid down. Has hasty closed eyes, being afraid to spill the long-awaited drowsiness which has rolled, at last. But has not fallen asleep. Stirred the wind which has raged behind a window, the branches of old trees whipping on glass, a rain. Cacophony of the sounds beating, knocking and gnashing simultaneously, irritated. The green weight rolled on glass, then receded. Anton has opened eyes and has stared in a window. The dream has completely passed. Now all night long it was necessary, as well as all last forty days, pjalitsja in blackness and to touch in a head infinite thoughts. About it, about itself. The more Anton thought, the was more deeply convinced that have deceived him. Intentionally or not – it is not known. But have deprived of hopes, possibilities, human feelings. Yes so, that from itself toshnilo.
Anton has involuntarily shuddered. The branch has lashed on glass with such gnash, that a teeth was ill. It did not take away a sight from a window – a unique mobile picture in its closed space. Loud knock again was heard. Between branches something also has flashed live. Anton has cast away a blanket, has risen and has approached to glass closely, having nestled to a cold smooth surface a forehead. Has tensely peered into darkness – all the same. Frenzied branches in ecstasy raised by a wind banged on glass. And suddenly — eyes in eyes – has seen her face. Pale, smiling, live.
It has recoiled. Has rushed on a bed, it was covered with a blanket with a head. Has begun to shake as in a fever. Heart has begun to knock, without restraint and non-uniformly. The gnash proceeded. Now he has understood, what is it not branches. They could not so. Anton has stopped up ears, has screwed up to a pain in centuries of an eye. But long could not hold on. Uncertainty frightened more. Having turned in a blanket, it again, on tiptoe, began to steal up to a window. Already absolutely clearly distinguished Danu among branches. In a white dress, with a clear face, it looked just as earlier — to illness, only as if is slightly tired. Anton has fallen asleep in metre from a window. Knees shivered. He was ready to go mad simultaneously of fear and desire will come nearer to it. The last has appeared more strongly. It has approached closely and has noticed, that its lips move, saying any words. « She has not had time to say goodbye to me » — has flashed in a head, and Anton has leant a forehead against glass. He tried to read on lips, but all of them time were closed by branches trembling with a wind, and to disassemble anything it was impossible. He tried to understand on scraps and could not. He saw, how in her eyes there is a despair – same, as during illness. To it became not on itself – he did not want, that Is given has lost again the beauty and became such what was shortly before death. It has interrogatively lifted a chin, trying all kind to ask« that you to me wish to tell? ». In the answer she has strong embraced herself hands for shoulders and poezhilas. Even began to shiver largely.« It is cold? » — Anton one lips has asked. It intensively zakivala a head. In the opinion of it there was live fire, and the hope, appear, has returned.« I cannot let in you » — he diligently moved with lips. It is given it is offended has pouted, has shrugged shoulders and has dissolved hands –« Why?! "." You do not belong more to this world » — it and itself have not understood, how in such situation a smog give out so pathos phrase. It has looked reproachfully. Then has even more frowned and has asked, tycha a finger directly in glass« And you?! ».
Anton could not take out longer all it. He has stretched a hand and has turned upwards the handle of a plastic window. «Enter!» — it has loudly rapped out. The shutter has widely revealed.
And in a second it was immensely happy, when it has twisted with its all body, has passionately pressed, caressing. Then hardly it was discharged and has interrogatively looked to it in eyes. Anton slowly, but has considerably nodded and has raised a chin so that it was more convenient to it to reach a neck. It is given has fallen asleep, struggling with itself. Then Anton has clasped its both hands for a neck and with force has drawn to itself. Both a room, and a window, and a bed – all was dissolved in long-awaited and mad pleasure.
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