The underground

Evening. Half seventh. The Gray-brown crowd a very large tail coils about an input. People filter through heavy glass doors, get off in dissonant numbers at turnstiles. On stone to a floor water; hundreds feet knead liquid porridge from the earth, sand and thawed snow.

 I who are carried away by crowd, move ahead. Eyes are closed: there is no place to look all the same and there is no need. From time to time I feel, that I fail in any semidelirium-light slumber. I continue to rearrange feet on the automatic machine, then I am sharply pulled out from a sleepiness thanks to someone's especially notable push at the left.

Thoughts in the full disorder. Are confused and merge in rhymed phrases, whether read somewhere, whether here right now arisen in a head. «To search love in the husband, what to scoop water in a pool …» — from what only consciousness back streets there is a similar delirium? The phrase is pleasant to me: I start to repeat it about myself again and again, to lick as a sugar candy and to savour. At it good taste: idle time, without izyskov and seasonings; very much for a long time familiar and at the same time absolutely new. In any way I will not remember, that in a life it to me met. I start to touch painfully in a head of acquaintances, friends and I do not find anybody to whom it could belong. But where I then heard it? TV, radio? Too is not present. Anything similar, it is at least simple because neither on that, nor on another time at me is not present. Unexpectedly from memory comes up the lost piece – a page scrap. Certainly, the book. It seems, it is necessary to tell "thanks" Rollanu with its incomprehensible «Kola Brjunon».

I smile blindly. The old Frenchman, witty the tramp and the cheerful person, thriftily strolls in my imagination. An image such bright, that for an instant I as if wake up; I look at the world other eyes and I start to distinguish colours around, I see set of bright paints instead of habitual shades. I envy cheerfulness Brjunona the real white envy.

The accruing roar is given by hard blows in a head – the irritation and a stupid pain in temples come back. The electric train with whistle rushes into crowd. People, not having stirred, stand at the edge of a platform. It seems, still pair of centimetres and every which way the jumped aside heads, the torn off hands and feet will depart; persons will be smeared by bloody stains on windows and iron sides of structure. The picture flies by before eyes for a share of second, as not clear and prompt red-grey cloud. Then all becomes on the places: hands, feet, heads and persons. The anxious persons with empty eyes. All one colour – dirty; and all with one expression – weariness.

Doors with a clang swing open. Any time shiver and jump up. Not having had time to calm down, feel on itself a pressure of tens shoulders. People with frenzy break forward; jam in the car. Having worked as knees and the elbows, everyone finds to itself(himself) a place, rises exactly and instantly calms down. From the person the realised expression flies, eyes are closed. The crowd plunges into a heavy shaken sleepiness or indifferent reading. I too as though fall asleep. To read there are no forces – after chetyrnadtsatichasovogo the working day eyes stick together. I am was insolent for the top hand-rail, but all the same I reel. Thoughts by itself plunge into a non-existence.

Sharply I twitch — such feeling that has not fallen nearly – probably, has fallen asleep actually. It is good, that has had time to think suddenly — to fall down under feet densely sitting and standing people is not present any desire. I look back: everyone is occupied by the book, thoughts or a dream. Thanks God, nobody has noticed my convulsive movements, it looked for certain idiotically. Therefore I make all efforts not to close more eyes and not to sleep.

 Through three stations in an organism with temporarily disconnected hearing and sight works the debugged biological alarm clock. Everything to leave. I leave and, squeezed with both parties someone's to opposite hot shoulders, I am dragged to the escalator. I walk on a moving cloth and I start to creep slowly downwards, having merged with a gloomy mosaic of crowd.

«To search love in the husband, what to scoop water in a pool». Here has become attached – a phrase as a phrase, but has sat down at a brain as if a nail; that accruing calming down sounds in a head a persuasive melody. And what at us with the husband? Yes, apparently, this most also is.

And that else could be expected from marriage which two babies – one have entered because was mistaken and has accepted the first sexual desires of an organism for universal love, another – because it have not learnt to refuse. In marriage I left in eighteen years, and first I remarkably accepted that the husband aspired not especially often to affinity – is not present and it is not necessary, less problems. But to years to twenty, it is equal to the University termination, it became clear, that notorious two once a month in the learnt pose – not is a limit of my suddenly revived sexual dreams. And I have started to do shy attempts to change a course of events. That made a celebratory supper and lighted candles to arrival of hotly liked spouse put on under a dressing gown any such sexual linen did not put on anything, except stockings and a fur coat and when it came back, pretended, that we need to go somewhere – while he did not find out in what I a kind. Sometimes these pranks went right and made quite notable success. But is more often happened so.

I very much tried to have time to make all to its arrival home: having run away from University from last pair, cleaned apartment, made a supper, made toilet and tried to discover in rather poor clothes any unknown hitherto a combination. It was necessary only – to wait one further. Under the truth to tell, art to wait always to me was alien, therefore I started to go mad slowly, not finding myself of a place: that ran up to a window, nestled close an ear to a door, caught at a pencil to write the next loveful lampoon took a guitar in hope to be forgotten in the course of execution for itself not numerous, but liked songs. Having done all these plain procedures sometimes several times, I with a sinking heart heard, at last, familiar cough, and then and steps of the husband on a staircase. Like mad I rushed to a mirror to spend a comb on hair and to look, whether still all looks, as is conceived, and then heard a key turning in doors.

In a youth to wind itself to a limit not difficult: already from the long expectation overflowed with passion, madness, imaginations and dreams, the head started to be turned. The ring of a key and its deaf knock in a keyhole seemed not simply the certificate of opening of a door, but the sensual game approaching the moment of affinity and delight.

- Greetings, Kisik! – I joyfully run out towards to the husband. Thus terribly I worry and I am nervous – as if all threatens to happen for the first time. – how are you doing?

- Greetings! – the husband bends and kisses me on a forehead. It lifts eyes and notices, that I am dressed not home-style, that in apartment too, to excessive sweetness, purely, and, judging by a smell, will feed not with macaroni or a yesterday's Russian cabbage soup. Its sight becomes guarded and strained.

- Affairs – in any way. And at us that, a holiday any?

Its mood and hated kiss in a forehead meaning always same: «to me today not before sex, keep in mind», upset me there is no place further. But I any more in a condition to strike on brakes and to stop. «Anything, we will break» — I inspire to myself though I understand, what not so it is simple.

- No, not a holiday. But I very much-very would like to sit easy in the evening with you, to talk, instead of to be engaged in house affairs. Therefore I have made all in advance.

- Well, then it is fine. – It seems, he sighs with simplification. — thanks. Only I have got tired very much and to eat I want.

- Well. Perhaps you while in a shower, and I on a table will cover?

- Generally I not the dirty. – vigilance as the grey rain cloud again crawls over his face and spoils all business.

- Yes it is fine to you. All the same ten to wait for minutes it is necessary, while I warm up.

Calms down. Slowly removes and hangs up a jeans jacket, goes to a bedroom behind a towel and, knocking down on road corners of tiny Khruschev's apartment, moves to a bathroom. To corners gets in the answer. I tensely am silent, trying not to rustle on kitchen and in general once again not to remind of the existence. The husband switches on water and, doused by an ice stream, again uses foul language – has forgotten to light a column. I suffice a match, I light one and, having turned the lever to a limit, I put a burning match in razinutyj a mouth of the antediluvian automatic machine. The flame flashes a dark blue flower, burning fingers. But curses in a bathroom cease. On change by it quite pacified splashing comes and even is distributed any not too legible murchanie on Vysotsky's theme «There is a hunting for wolves». Means, has not calmed down at all and subconsciously understands, that I achieve. I am upset even more, but I understand what to convince myself I can not surrender.

We have supper silently. The husband with pleasure absorbs a roast chicken with a potato. I with melancholy think that under the law of a genre the chicken to fry it was impossible. It was necessary to separate meat from bones and to prepare plov, and from bones to weld noodles – so the meal would suffice day on three – just to the grant to hold on or, can, the salary for English lessons in a kindergarten, at last, will give. Now it is not too clear, than tomorrow to feed a family. It is necessary, probably to search at whom to occupy on couple of days. Though, stipu from friends still nobody has received, and to parents to go – the vanity does not allow. Basically, it is possible to descend to have supper to them, the main thing of money not to occupy. And further – it will be visible.

Gloomy thoughts distract me from an initial sexual impulse a little and the husband comes to definitively positive mood, having felt, that my harassments do not threaten today it. But here it does a tactical error: having languished from a shower and a tasty supper, loses vigilance, involves me in itself on knees and gives smacking kiss in lips. Thoughts on the chicken leave me as not demanded terrible dream. I instantly wake up in all senses of this word and I reach for lips of the husband with a reciprocal kiss. And, if from its party I have received indifferent thankful "smack" with mine to it threatens high-grade passionate lobyzanie with grab of lips and language penetration on as much as possible accessible depths. I all it make with known enthusiasm and sincere, in a moment come back, desire. His lips and language, meanwhile, save an enviable neutrality and do not try to support at all my diligence though any movement.

- You know, I cannot today. – strangely enough, these words he says. As far as I know, usually they are time, but a regular accessory of the weaker sex, only here in a life all is much more difficult than the rules established by the nature. And often to them contradicts.

- Well why?! – I do not stop to kiss it, to stroke and all possible ways to show the harmonous, flexible body.

- I have got tired. – it discharges me and replaces back – from the knees to a rigid wooden stool.

To me it is insulting. But take offence I can as much as necessary – as a rule, it has no the slightest action. Therefore it is necessary to collect all forces and to continue the begun attempts – I iron it on a knee and passionately I whisper:

- You should do nothing. I. Simply do not stir to me, good?

Now I already without any invitation get top to it on knees and very much I represent from myself burnt shljushku – kartinno I am bent, I iron it everywhere, whole in an ear lobe, I unbutton trousers and I get fingers into a fly, not too representing what to do further – in sense absolutely "further" — and which image to justify I am tempting sounding «all I will make itself». Definitive blow to stir the weakened and absolutely indifferent man puts to self-control and attempts that I find out, I do not find out anything in its trousers more precisely. To spit it wanted on all my quirks and pity attempts to call though any excitation. I become instant lost and hung as the beaten dog. The husband pulls out my hand from the fly and speaks through set teeth: «I spoke, leaves nothing. I have got tired!».

Gets rid of me from knees and goes to the computer. The hated car buzzes, answering with a happy roar on pressing of the button "inclusion", and I remain on kitchen among dirty ware and a heap of the picked chicken bones. Tears navorachivajutsja on eyes, and to the throat are driven by desire to go into a hysterics. I hate its shivering animal hatred. It would be desirable to spit upon all and to run away – to put on and leave the house, never to see this reptile and never to return. But where to me to go from own apartment? And numerous attempts vytolkat the husband in an impulse of the same impetuous furiousness did not get married success – first, to it it is here again good, and secondly, it twice is heavier than me. Therefore I try to be kept from desire to shout, use foul language that is forces and to be up against a blank wall – simply I wash ice water, and then I switch on a column and my ware. From a drawing room through passage clicks of the computer mouse from time to time are heard – again he plays the devil's basketball on the computer. At what, on nobody the necessary basketball and sitting behind the monitor till one o'clock in the morning at it forces are, and for me – only and will spend half an hour – too to me an unreal victim – neither forces, nor time is not present! In parallel with all these thoughts I put things in order on five-metre kuhonke and then I trudge in a drawing room. Silently I switch on the TV though on spirit it I do not transfer, and I pretend, that something there I look out. This intended mutual silence somewhere – lasts for about one hour not less. To the husband all the same. Neither on me, nor on pridurkovatyj the TV it does not react. I am beetle-browed I touch in a head all insults not too long and not absolutely joyful home life – and I fly into a rage it is even more. But time leaves, and tomorrow it it can and not appear at all. Besides it is a pity the passed pair, in vain thrown out time and for nothing the dissipated chicken. Therefore I again take myself in hands and, having switched off the TV, with all possible tenderness I speak:

- To tea you want?

- Well, bring. — it is indifferent he throws.

Certainly, I there and then rush on kitchen to put a teapot on a plate. I make tea, I stir in him two spoons to sugar and I try – like, all as is necessary. Slowly I enter into a room and I will gracefully go to a computer table with a cup in a hand.

- It that? – Not coming off the monitor, the husband asks.

- It is tea, already sweet. – in tone it is answered with me.

-A-a. – it pulls. – and to tea at us anything is not present?

I simply grow dumb with similar impudence: whence there can be something in absence of the grant, the salary and other pleasures of a life. Such sensation as if only I know, who would have ever expected it, and it stays in a semi-dream. And its any is material-household problems precisely do not concern. He will play basketball, to study through a stub-pack from the two as a three and thus not to hammer in the remote head to nobody interesting questions of transitory life. I try to suppress all these anti-sexual thoughts there and then in myself and I am violently adjusted on a romantic harmony.  

- Well, to tea I can offer something. – I whisper a mysterious voice.

Probably, absorbed by the idiotic and never-ending game he does not pay attention to intonations and asks, as in what happened: «that?».

- Now you will see. – the same whisper I continue and gently I embrace him behind for a neck, having nestled a breast to immense and insensible as a rock to a back. The husband does not do any movements. Encouragements, clearly to wait it is not necessary, and here that does not push away – already well. I grow bolder and I start to rummage hands on its breast, shoulders, a back, hips. It does not submit signs of a life and continues to squelch the devil's mouse. Then I concentrate on hips, I kneel and, continuing to iron the idol in an image of own promised, a backing I creep under a computer table. The husband is silent. I get hands between his feet and I start to iron, shake, tickle in that place where by definition man's advantage should disappear. But it disappears, most likely, rather skilfully and I as I try, cannot grope anything some the essential. Then I lose patience and, having unbuttoned a fly, I take out a penis divine. To my surprise, all looks not so is sad as an hour ago on kitchen and though, hardness to the mysterious tool still obviously does not get, it keeps rather haughtily and even looks in a ceiling. Pleased with the opening, I start to kiss, lick and stroke a subject of the already quite defined expectations. The subject hardens and grows practically on eyes. Its owner, meanwhile, does not find out any changes neither in a pose, nor in a direction of a sight. It all as is interested and self-denying pjalitsja in the monitor. I stay in full confusion: on the one hand, as they say, «process has gone» with another – intentions of the risen member and its owner obviously disperse. And what to do with the first without the last, I at all do not represent. Having continued the simple exercises and, having felt, that the monotony affects object not in the best way, I come up from under a table and cautiously I creep to the husband on knees. That I was wrong, I understand very quickly: as soon as I close a back basketball action on the monitor, the spouse starts to fidget strenuously, convulsively catching for the mouse, and to try to shift a hindrance in my person.

- Andrjush, well, please. You can on twenty minut distract? Your computer will not escape anywhere. – I already pass to the most humiliating and bezdejstvennyj a method – arrangements. Itself I know, that to what it is all will not result but what to undertake – I do not represent.

- Listen, I have from the very beginning explained to you, that have got tired! What, it was not clear, what I wish to have a rest simply easy?!

- To me all is clear, — I cannot constrain some insult tears any more, and they large drops slip on cheeks, — but same it is silly and unnatural. What for then we with you have got married, if all the same never it is necessary nothing for you?

- What for – I do not know, I only know why. – It gets rid of me from the knees and absolutely varies in the person. Its eyes become malicious and red, as at a bull. — because you exhausted me the claims because has demented and my mother, and all around – so you would not like to marry me.

- Means, here is how it is called! And you that thought – can deprive of me virginity and not answer then for the acts? And I thus should suffer reproaches and hysterics from parents, should wait senselessly for you in the evenings when you "forget" that promised to come. Now I too wait for you as last silly woman, but anybody, at least, does not see how I go mad as to a roar in three streams and I will sweep away all on the way. And I know, that you all the same will come – sooner or later – here your house.

- Will suffice! All time same – in how much has come, where was, has told so, has made not so – has bothered! I do not remember, that I speak! I do not think of it, and lag behind with the cavils. 

I cannot answer anything any more – in a throat have got stuck the immense sizes a clod, tears rough streams drip from a chin on clothes. Of what line has managed me to fall in love with this absolutely abnormal being? As it has turned out, that I completely vtreskalas in a marble block, stupid and indifferent. Though is not present, silly it to name it was impossible. Already one that on fizfak in University it has arrived without support everyone there, quoted the Homere, remembered by heart important historical dates all in the slightest degree (that has not been given me absolutely) and with an ideal pronunciation told jokes in French, spoke about strong though as it was found out, absolutely not developed mind. It could become someone if has guessed to develop, aspire and want something from this life. But to it was all the same. There was its basketball, was, where it was not necessary to live, starve really – parents will not give – so that else to wish? It was indifferent to all. If not this indifference, can, all would be in another way. And I would not like its such wild, unreasonable and incomprehensible love. I did not understand, but subconsciously always aspired to the inaccessible: that was given to me easily, is not enough and poorly me interested. I hunted, battled, aspired, pursued. Fought only that was inaccessible to me. And with it there was the same: I could not reach that inside, who could not understand it – the clever widely-read person who is able to be polite, gentle, careful and tender as the cat, or the homeless boor, whose education left much to be desired, whose ambitions have been buried till its birth by the alcoholic-father and a shameful life of all round it. It burnt down all and irritated me. Forced to hate and like simultaneously.

I have gone to a bedroom, have removed the simple dress and have pulled jeans with a T-short. I wished to leave. To appear far away from it and not to see, not to think, not to know. To go there was no place. On a court yard there was not as in spring stuffy and impenetrable night, but me it worried a little.

As soon as I have put on a jacket and have turned a key at doors, being going to to leave in an entrance, in a drawing room terrible noise was distributed – the chair on which Andrey sat has crashed down on a floor. It in furiousness has flown in a corridor and has flung away me from an entrance door.

- Where?! – its voice has thundered as an iron roof upon which the downpour has suddenly fallen. – stand! Also stop to torment me.

- I?! I to you nerves wind it? In my opinion all on the contrary! – I shouted, a voice shivering from tears.

The husband was enraged, now from it it was possible to expect everything, everything. It ran often into a hysterical condition and became absolutely unpredictable: could strike, fall down from feet, could cry or being silent shiver in an inexplicable fever.

I have moved, having made attempt again to reach an entrance door. It has pressed me the huge body to a wall, sgreb in an armful and has dragged in a bedroom. Has thrown on a bed and promptly left, having closed behind itself a door. I remained to lay on not straightened bed with the eyes which have swelled up from tears and tried to think feverishly how further to be: to try to run senselessly, to remain it is intolerable. I have risen and have gone to a drawing room. The husband sat on a sofa absolutely motionlessly, having closed hands the person.

- That do you achieve? – Words were pulled out by a deaf roar from its breast.

- I – anything, anything over a normal human life. Why it is always easier to you to push away me, than to go to me on a meeting. Why what should is natural to call so much contradictions? 

- Again you do a problem of all! What, I cannot have a bad mood, what, I cannot spend evening of the house simply easy? Leave me alone. You should understand — I do not want! I do not want you! And I want nobody. If you so like this idiotic employment – search for other variants, I do not approach!

- What? You consider, we should be engaged in it of once a month how now, and to be thus happy? You think, all rest of the time can be spent behind the computer, not to talk to anybody nor about what not to care and mean in the house no more, than furniture? I cannot. You were right – we had no need to marry, we in general needed to leave very long time ago. I offered you. But you could not, you have decided, that it is better to be my husband, than to be to me anybody. And that for the sake of? Leave.

- Well it is final, an old song. Hardly that – «be put out from my apartment, come back to mum». Will suffice. Anywhere I will not leave and I am not going to even.

Andrey has jumped from a sofa, progrohal in a bedroom a giant stride and has slapped a door so, that that has not jumped out nearly of a shaky jamb. I listened, as he undresses and throws clothes in a room corner. It was sick somewhere in the heart of heart, and it is intolerably insulting. Again tears were screwed on eyes, and all body has suddenly broken as from a flu or a heat. I sat and thought of how easily the person is mistaken and as it is difficult to correct these errors. But I was not dared to regret that itself has made. I knew what senselessly, silly to regret about sodejannom. Never, never it was impossible to do it. It was impossible to recognise the weakness, the narrow-mindedness and the error neither before itself, nor before associates. An exit was not – it was necessary to take the rests of patience from depth of soul and to struggle. To defend the choice. In defiance.

Minutes later I have heard twenty, as Andrey has fallen asleep – through a thin wall its measured breath was distinctly heard. Tears with new force have scattered from eyes – to it all was indifferent. All the same, as as I feel. I have laid down on a sofa and long laid with open eyes, examining through a damp veil filled up still grand-dad's and grandmother's stuff a balcony. I began to think of them. That on their heavy share war has dropped out, hunger, ruin. That they never knew the best life, but also as well as we suffered from inevitable human passions: liked, hated, protected and destroyed each other. Also have died. Have carried away with itself all – both hatred and love. And I will die. What then my time madness will matter, washing confused hatred-love?

I have woken up that Andrey sgreb in an armful and dragged me in a bedroom. At first I could not think, as it has appeared among night on a sofa, have then recollected and the insult has again returned. I have decided not to open eyes and to pretend to be, that I sleep. The husband, not undressing, has put me on a bed and has covered a blanket. Has then heaved a deep sigh, has stroked on hair the huge hand and has turned away, that in an instant again to plunge into a deep dream. And I could not fall asleep – and laid till the morning with widely opened eyes and looked, how branches of trees move behind a window. I again could understand nothing – neither its feelings, nor the desires. All has been washed away by misunderstanding and eternal insult. All was a shame and it is wrong – my harassments, its refusals, its tenderness furtively, my silence.

In the morning I, not in forces am more to lay without a dream, have risen and have gone to a shower. The husband has woken up later. We silently had breakfast, as always, opposite cheap coffee and a roll with butter. Anybody what did not recollect. At light of day all yesterday's squabbles, quarrels and insults seemed shameful and indecent.

- You in how much will come? – As always, I have asked this idiotic question.

- In seven.

Means, not earlier than nine – I have counted about myself. Well and it is fine. I too will not hurry up home – eventually, spring. Weather remarkable. It is possible and take a walk. 

I left in a court yard and have inhaled morning aroma of old trees. Yes lines with it, with sodejannym! The life only begins.

* * *

I have not flied nearly from last step of the escalator – have not had time to distract from too the live pictures which have vigorously risen suddenly from enough remote past. Has stumbled, have pushed. It was necessary to level very much a step to move with intensity of a stream. And that will trample. Transition, again a dirty roaring electric train is finished – now to go long. The main thing – not to sleep. And to try not to think what late already to regret about sodejannom. I have got the book from a bag and have plunged into reading – all around was gone: both the underground, and crowds of the people pressed to each other and bitter, shameful memoirs.

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30.05.2007 16:09 it is class. It is live and is real!
Dmitry

31.08.2007 18:31 carries away, that that all as in zhizni.naturalno. priblizheenno by a life) you learn the thoughts) continue the story!) I wish to read up.
Tanja

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