Fury
Recently Majja knew only one feeling – fury. No, even FURY – something huge, live, pulsing, crimson colour. Fury has taken hold of her soul absolutely, she has enjoined to forget, that once there was a love, pleasure, grief, hostility. And now – is not present. Anything, except fury, except kromeshnogo irritations all and everyone. Majja a vein on the verge of a hysterics and a nervous breakdown. Yes that there, on the verge – failures were, only meanwhile she managed to hide them in any secluded place – in office to "a ladies' room», in own bedroom. Got only native – to the husband and the son. Majja could not suffer disobedience, constant snivels and illnesses of the little son; mediocrities, illogicalness and a loud voice of the husband. She started to cry out a heart-rending voice and to vomit the most improbable branye words. And all the same, to whom these cries intended – all merged in a huge crimson clod and fell out on their tiny family. Majja knew, that so it is impossible. But never could restrain.
The reasons were simple — usual for all mankind. Only they at all did not touch all mankind, and Majja so could not live. It has fallen into a trap: elementary and it the most arranged. At first the vein also tried to pretend, that in norm, then it was necessary to adapt and suffer all, then – to press itself, to get rid of thoughts, at least "for the sake of appearance" to live a normal life, to be a high-grade member of a society «as all». Now she has understood, that patience on an outcome – still any drop, and she is unable calm down FURY storming in it.
Every morning Majja woke up with feeling of disappointment – so it would not be desirable to be restored to life. Dreams became the unique desired world. Hardly getting out from under a blanket, washing, hurrying to an underground and being powerlessly shaken in a step to movement morning, filled to the full, the underground car, she repeated the same word «I Hate!», «I hate!». This infinite whisper drove it mad. He forced to boil, storm, despise all around. Majja persuaded itself to cease. Also could not stop.
The trap in which has pleased Majja, was the most banal. It has made the first nonsense, when has married in seventeen years. Has fallen in love, for the first time has felt desire – and has arranged all. Has forced the poor young man in whom it has been enamoured mad, but unripe love, to marry. Has undertaken a heap of schemes and shifts that that could not otvertetsja. Not planned pregnancy has appeared the second nonsense. Here all is already definitively trite naperekosjak. And if the husband at all did not stir a life, and somewhere even helped, the child has simply unsettled. Except other "delights" roditelstva it was necessary to think of how to debug a life and convulsively to start to reflect on a theme «where to take money». That at the child all «was not worse, than at others». By the way, before money Majju did not interest at all. She lived dreams. Towering over terrestrial cares, to despise a word "life" and concept of "money". To wander on light it is easy and free, to look, notice, behold, feel. Let in poverty, let in full uncertainty – from it only sight would be sharper, and feelings – more sharply. The child has turned all. She even has ceased to write verses: there was no time. And about what it is possible to tell to the world, vegetating among dirty diapers, pots and pans? Majja physically felt death – or letargichesky a dream into which ran smothering. The third awful error was that she has tried to earn money.
Job on which it on ignorance it has agreed, has appeared a nightmare in reality. Majja also could not imagine, that the post “personal assistant” demands such combination of not combined qualities. And the main thing – to think it was impossible absolutely. Only implicitly to execute that speak to you. Duties was much – so many that continuous bustle and "urgent" affairs sufficed for the whole working day which to all other has been limited by nothing and lasted so long, that Majja as a result lost ability to think and simply was ready to drop from weariness. Hardly it was possible to it to crawl to the apartment and to snatch on the husband and the son because the child – twelfth o'clock in the morning – does not sleep till now, and in a room is not tidied up. It shouted, as the shrew, made cry the son, before shout – the husband and fell on a bed, almost losing consciousness. Early in the morning again to rise and go on job.
Days off existed to be cleaned, buy products, to prepare, erase and be forgotten in a deep dream. To talk there was a laziness. About sex could not be and speeches. Majju irritated claims of the spouse. She asked the husband to leave her time and again alone and to get to herself, eventually, the mistress not to torment the wife. The husband took offence. It too worked, but never got tired so, that in target (at least only once a week!) not to try to be high-grade home life. Majja it was not given. She wished to sleep.
Here and now she thought of a dream. Majja still sat at job. There were ten evenings, Friday. In a head deafly pulsed habitual «I Hate!», «I hate!» And eyes by itself were closed. At office it was stuffy and it is is deathly silent. Only the chief broke from time to time catalepsy of night offices, rustling at itself to papers. To work at Maji today any more there were no forces. It sat, stupidly having stared in the monitor. To leave before the chief it was impossible, to do something comprehended it could not any more. Simply waited, when the chief will deign to leave, at last, the desktop that with a smile to wish it good days off, to lock a door and to hand over on watch keys. Forces and the will, hardly collected for last days off in a fist, by a weekend have evaporated. Outwardly always quiet, Majja was now on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Only touch – and will blow up. Coming to an end week, anything imperceptible, got lost in a chain of the same working weeks so, that Majja could not distinguish for a long time one month from another, as always, was uneasy and nervous.
At first the chief has arranged to all heads of the company dispersal for bad indicators of the last week. And Majja should write the disgusting report urgently: to that is reprimand, to it is collecting, that is the prevention, they be to dismiss. Chiefs of departments were nervous, went circles around Maji and repeated «If to me will write reprimand also to the chief too – it all is guilty before». Majja beat off, as could, it was irritated and wrote.
Next day the chief had a birthday, and it rushed all the day with wine-glasses, cognac bottles, cups and pies; displayed on plateaus cakes and sweets. It was thus irritated, hated and damned all around. Employees of the company with curiosity looked in a reception and on kitchen, improbably stirred and more scoffed at its "enviable" role of the barmaid – «only lacy fartuchka does not suffice». Friends, partners came, another's. Pure wine-glasses and fresh coffee were necessary to all. Majja it was knocked down. And has then got to an idiotic situation – the heads, it is visible from desire to revenge for yesterday's, have decided to put it into place. It has entered into an office with glasses and a bottle of open cognac when the chief was congratulated by two ladies from department of marketing and the chief of department of sales. Majja has gone with a tray to the chief of department, having judged, that it as the younger man on a rank, will pour cognac on glasses, and it while will run and will weld it coffee. However the chief has with astonishment thrown up eyebrows and has impudently enquired, from what to it has suddenly taken in head to begin service with it when in a room there are ladies and seniors on a rank. The chief has tried to joke, having declared, that this chief, probably, most the present are biassed to strong spirits. That is why also preference – to it. The chief has dared to become angry and has declared, that fault, as a rule, is stronger drinks than nothing. To help to spill there something it and was not going to. Taking in shivering hands a bottle, Majja felt rasposlednej the waitress of nasty cafe who does not know elementary rules of etiquette. It was insulting to tears. It have exposed the full idiot, have humiliated and have punished. For what?! That the chief the day before was dissatisfied with them. All the day Majja went as despised. It was necessary to learn three foreign languages, to write the best at University degree job and to receive the red diploma, to spill on wine-glasses cognac and to receive slaps in the face. The chief, having celebrated event, has left in eight evenings. And Majja remained alone with huge mountain of ware which should be washed up. Otherwise in the morning even coffee there is nothing will pour.
Next day scale celebrating remains, at last, behind, and Majja has sighed was with simplification. But on it employees, clients have immediately snatched, partners, the ministry, tax and is simple the people who have addressed to the director of the company with the letter. Documents which Majja daily received, processed, registered and, carefully having sorted on folders, spread on a table to the head, the chief did not look a week. And because of bustle with its birthday the day before, she had not time to answer each phone call. So all to uniform subscribers were more malicious line. The old woman who addressed for the help in the morning has called – the poor creature remained absolutely out-of-pocket. Also tried to solve a problem through large, «such rich and such known company in a city». At first, having heard, sympathetic apologies Maji that the answer to its application still is not present, it has burst into tears in a tube. Majja as could, tried to console the poor thing. Then the old woman has calmed down and began to threaten complaints in Administration. And in end has damned Majju that that shirks job and somewhere touched its letter, time a week there is no answer. To explain babule, that the chief has been continuously occupied at negotiations, and had the slightest possibility to look no documents, it has appeared hardly. The grandma to believe refused also all repeated what to read its letter – business of one minute. And time the chief has not read, Majja – the worthless secretary. On this final chord babulja so has rumbled with a tube, that at Maji has rung out in ears. Have called from the Ministry further and have asked, when there will be an answer to their inquiry about performance of the new order. And again — Majja the idler and the parasite. As they know, how it is possible to come and enclose to the head the urgent document, even if at it negotiations. That these documents "is already enclosed" pieces three hundred, only anybody does not read them, Majja to speak had no right. For partners, clients, Administration and the Ministries the chief always should be on the ball. And the secretary — always the silly woman. Same it is clear as twice two – four.
Calls were distributed continuously, blocked each other – on phone was three lines. Majja hardly was in time. «A reception, good afternoon!». «A reception, good afternoon!». Language at it was braided also all turned in the dried up mouth is worse. Infinite «when?», «where?», «why?» Their precious papers, lead up Majju to despair. And the chief accepted visitors, cheerfully laughed loudly behind a door and did not think of any devil's documents. Thus he did not forget to give to the rolled up assistant of the commission from the category «go there», «bring that», «find it», «urgently connect» and «give in the coffee end-ends, oh, damn». As a result of Majja, having seized the moment, on sekundochku has got to it into an office and has asked to look at least urgent documents. The chief occupied with the thoughts, has absent-mindedly agreed and has put one of folders «for the signature» in hands to the assistant with words «good-good, I will look, and it – you for me sign». Majja has diligently studied documents in a folder, it was convinced available visas, and fifty nine times has diligently deduced the management signature. The chief till the evening and has not looked at one paper.
Next morning Majja has come to office already got. Under eyes circles for weariness distinctly became blue, to impose a make up it was not in time. Time has been spent for gathering in a garden of the little son which went obstinate and kanjuchil, and on itself minutes it is not necessary – to splash only in the person of cold water and to clean a teeth. The chief has looked at the cyanotic secretary with discontent and has begun the old song: «it is necessary to go to a sun deck» (when?!), «it is necessary to go in for sports and visit fitness club» (on what money?!) «also it is necessary to use, eventually, at job by cosmetics» (yes that you?!). Then with a triumphing kind of the judge of beauty and vrazumitelja innocent maidens, has gone to itself to an office. «And coffee to me give!» prooral it already therefrom. Phone scraped not ceasing, visitors did not weaken the pressure for a minute and unanimously thirsted to reach a desired flesh of the unique director. The chief gave commissions – one "more intelligibly" another and demanded «immediately to write», «this second to send», «urgently to find», «instantly to make», «to go on figs and not to prevent to work to it».
By a dinner without the prevention calls from a reception zama fell down. Probably, its secretary has left for a dinner – that Majja never to itself allowed — and has thrown the line on a reception of the general. Hour ones and a half it was necessary to be answerable for a two – to run even faster because and zam demanded some coffee, to answer calls even more often – because and at zama there were documents and to beat off a pressure of the doubled quantity of visitors. Calling zamu also asked, threatened, begged and cried out in a tube. Majja "who" "when", «that wanted» and phone for communication wrote down all their outpourings under the form. When Lizka has returned, at last, of cafe and has made languid attempt to apologise for the caused inconveniences (though something), Majja has passed it rather impressive list of sufferers on one and a half sheet and has asked to call back to necessarily all. On what Liza has impudently declared, that itself will understand with the clients and it is not necessary to learn it to work. She and has told, and addressing to Maje in the third party: « It will learn still me to work »!
The personal security guard of the chief, it is not known what for dragged in this moment in a reception, became the witness of their conversation. It has started to neigh as a hoopoe, repeating through gogot the same words: «vish as it you otshila, and?». Majja has asked to leave and to calm down it. For insult and irritation at it has already darkened in eyes. The security guard also did not think to shut up. It has started to neigh even more loudly. «So also it is necessary to you – it rattled is that you have not woken me yesterday when the chief left office». Then it suddenly has sharply stopped, has become serious and has given out: «By the way, badly yesterday it has turned out. The chief leaves, and I was not present. Has then flown». «You to me look – it has continued severely – for such affairs it is possible and to obtain». Who has made to it duties to awake the moron-security guard before an exit of the chief (and the main thing – as?! – to spit upon gentle prowaters of the precious head and to run, overtaking it, in a room for protection?) She could not understand. On understanding bodigarda Majja has been obliged to do it for the sake of preservation «kind relations between colleagues». Thus who to whom "colleague" tormented a question Majju not less question on a way of execution of procedure of "awakenings".
The security guard did not leave — looked at it porosjachimi eyes and ustrashajushche frowned. Majja it has once again asked to be cleaned it. But he also has not thought – probably, the insult for yesterday's suddenly an edge has risen in its primitive consciousness and prevented to perceive the validity adequately. Eyes were poured by blood, it began to come nearer to its desktop slowly. Majju already stirred up from its idiocy, the irritation and accruing fury. Phone here has cracked, then from an office the roar of the chief was heard – something it was necessary for it, and the security guard came, having partitioned off the wide body a door. Majja, not having had time to think, has seized from the table a pot with a flower and has very much thrown it in the security guard. The pot has deafly struck the spindle-legs in a breast and from a sensitive push and, the main thing, unexpectedness, the huge muzhik from all to scope has crashed directly on a floor. The chief who has left on a roar has found a picture of rather doubtful maintenance: The security guard sprinkled with the earth sat on a floor, have been around scattered gorshochnye crocks and lean stalks of a dying plant, and Majja stood, having fallen asleep with eyes widely opened for horror. The chief did not have time to understand with mad "staff". «A-a, has woken up» – he has floutingly stretched, addressing to protection – «And well, get out». «And from you did not expect. — he has thrown frightened Maje. – did not suffice only that my secretary made advances to my security guard in my own reception! Do not dare to invite here more it. Also clean this brothel» — he has added, disappearing for a door. Majja has not had time to mind at all anything.
In the evening, before the leaving, the chief has called Majju to itself. «I look, you have nothing to be engaged, — he has thoughtfully stretched – with protection shashni get directly at job». The voice at it was indifferent. He was not angry – so tired, that forces on emotion does not remain. Majja choked with indignation and unfair reproaches. But something to explain now it was useless – the chief would not began to listen. He all saw, all has understood – and a point. "Excuse" — it is guilty has murmured Majja the dried up language, having looked down in a floor. «And what you apologise? – A rigid ringing voice he has asked. – I understand, you have simply nothing to do». The chief has rummaged in a table box, has got a file with negatives of last photo-session and has stretched Maje: « On here you the creative task for a change – whether in vain that you at us the diplomaed master of arts any there. – he has maliciously grinned. — choose decent pictures – tomorrow it will be necessary to pass in publishing house. Also be at job to eight ». The chief has left. And Majja remained and more minutes twenty has spent for contemplation of images of the chief in the various poses blurring through a veil of tears. She has chosen the most successful pictures and has put negatives in the safe.
The weekend has caused a stir nothing from its beginning – the same bustle with cups, documents proceeded all; belief, requests, shouts by phone; deadly weariness and not clear melancholy on the lost ability to think. Day lasted is intolerable slowly as if someone, not hurrying up, scrolled filmstrip shots in for a long time out-of-date creaking diaproektore. Pictures hung in air in the shivering not clear weight, then slowly varied, leaving vague sensation of colour and obvious feeling of emptiness. Day stole up by the night. Has again punched ten.
Majja thought of a dream. In a head deafly knocked habitual «I Hate!», «I hate!». Eyes by itself were closed, and the head refused though something to think. It was stuffy.
The chief left the office. « Good days off » — were lifelessly wished by him and, shuffling leather soles of expensive boots, has disappeared behind a door. Forces to move at Maji was not. It sat, and collected in a crimson clod all irritation and insults of the past week. To tears it was a pity to it of. She has recollected all unpleasant minutes and slowly went mad of an empty pain in a breast – in that place where once there lived the quivering and surprised heart. Majja has started howling – hot tears have swept on cheeks and have pinched from them the powder rests. All went as it is impossible is worse. The life slid to devils. Half an hour it sat without movement and slowly touched in a head every year the senseless existence. All them was twenty four. Kind fifteen minutes have occupied last two years – that time, that it has worked the assistant. In a head any pictures emerged, but Majja could not think, when it was. Whether a day ago, whether year. She did not understand how to separate one from another. Days, weeks, months merged in consciousness in dense grey-green medley. Then this disgusting porridge has started to spread inside and was painted in crimson colour. Majja has wiped the person the back party of a palm. Has risen and has entered in an office of the chief. All was silent, muffled light easy flew from a ceiling. A huge table for negotiations, regiments with knickknacks – someone's uncountable representation gifts, the desktop which has been filled up with bales popok with untouched documents. Majja sgrebla folders in a heap also has pulled out in a reception – to itself on a table. Minutes twenty has left on releasing papers from every possible paper clips, clothespins, clips and other writing stuff. Schröder stood in a corridor. Majja has thrown an isolated bale on a floor, and the beginnings not hurrying up to lower papers in a narrow crack. The car with happy rumbling absorbed multi-coloured, yet not signed, bills, uncountable contracts and certificates, letters of ministers and partners, account warrants and tasks for official journeys. Majja smiled. To feed shreder it was indescribably pleasant – in its breast almost physical pleasure has trembled with pleasure by process.
When papers have ended, Majja has shaken out a paper shaving in a black garbage package and began to be going to. Has slowly pushed in a bag all things, has got from a box of a table a photo of the little son, sgrebla from shelves of the book which read sometimes in the underground, has put them in a package, has then looked round and left a reception. Has closed a door, has picked up a garbage package and has gone to an exit. On watch it has handed over keys from an office of the director and a reception. Has undersigned for magazine. It was equal 23:00. Has imperceptibly dropped the admission about a rack of the security guard and has stepped in the lift. It was necessary to go on dark street, to pass through the bridge and to shiver minutes forty undergrounds in the car.
In the street it was still hot. Luscious smells of exhaust gases and any crude mould filled air. From the sky small warm drops of the late rain dripped. Majja was delighted to it as native – has substituted hot the person under these tender lazy streams and has laughed. It was good. On heart soft klubochkom the fluffy and carefree happiness was curtailed. And any thought that it has arrived dishonestly.
Majja skipping went on the become empty street. Has stopped on the bridge to get rid of a garbage package – it has slowly departed to Neva, and even splash it was not audible. Has come into a gaping pharynx of an underground and village in the empty car. The train hooted and rushed as the madman. Majja smiled and sang aloud a children's song about a magic deer.
At home it was already dark. Both the husband, and the son peacefully slept, everyone snuffling in the bed. Majja has on tiptoe approached to a cot and villages before it on hunkers. The serene face of the little son has suddenly filled with its such pleasure and affection, that it could not tear off eyes from it both infinitely long and gently whispered tender words. «Kisik mine, the sun, the lassie liked, unique my pleasure, tender zajchik, a fantastic chickabiddy …». She muttered all and muttered, cautiously kissed its sleeping handle and promised to be a number always. Just now she has understood, what beautiful and remarkable kid at it and what idiot it was all that time that vanished at job and did not leave in itself forces it to like.
Majja has undressed and has slipped in bed. It has drawn near the husband who has begun to move in a dream, having felt a desired touch, and has whispered: «I have left. Tomorrow we will run away from here and we will begin a new life». The husband has not woken up. Only has more closely nestled in a dream on a liked body.
11.01.2008 19:02 Also with feeling as well as "Annushka", all comes to an end heppi-endom and in general the stimulating interesting story. Thanks me were pleasant, write still, health to you and inspiration.
 Natalia
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